


And The Card Was Played

by shoesoftennis



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Accusations, BDSM, Cardverse, F/M, M/M, Other, Prussia plays a prank, Public Humiliation, lots of characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-05 04:44:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4166358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shoesoftennis/pseuds/shoesoftennis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: The Kingdoms of Hearts, Spades, Clubs, and Diamonds are at peace until the Joker plays a prank that has the Aces struggling to keep war from breaking out among their people. Soon, Heart cards want to become Spade cards, Club cards want to become Diamond cards, and the Joker knows he’s gone too far. Can he and the Aces fix it before the world breaks into absolute chaos? (Rated Explicit for language and later smut.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And the Joker Plays a Prank

The annual Kingdoms Dinner had the best food imported from the Kingdom of Hearts, the best decorations courtesy of the Kingdom of Spades, a peculiar yet orderly setup thanks to the Kingdom of Diamonds, and the best entertainment paid for by the Kingdom of Clubs. This year, it was hosted by the Clubs, and every other royal came by in their best luxury cars via the International Road. The Club Castle burst with festivities inside and out; the courtyards were filled with garlands, ice sculptures, bluebonnets, and many other ornaments for the occasion while the Grand Hall held tables laden with food and drink. The actual Dinner took place at sundown, but many citizens and foreign cards arrived long before sunset to admire the spectacular decorations and castle itself which was made of polished, black marble speckled with pockets of white and beige.

The King of Spades was the exception. He was putting off going to the Dinner as long as possible because he despised seeing the King of Clubs. The hosting king always had some kind of passive-aggressive comment to smack Alfred around with. And King Alfred hated it. Couldn't King Ivan just keep his shitty remarks to himself?

At about five minutes before the King, Queen, and Jack of Spades were supposed to begin their journey through the Spade Mountains and to the International Road, the Queen of Spades found Alfred moping around their room. "Well, I'm damn glad I packed for you since you obviously aren't going to be of any help today," the Queen snorted. Queen Arthur (yes, he WAS a male - Queen was simply a title) gave his king a "You're useless" look.

Alfred huffed, crossing his arms over his chest boyishly as he paced up and down the room. "I don't WANT to go," the King of Spades mumbled. He nervously ran his hands through his sandy-blond hair. "The King of Clubs is HOSTING it this year! And he'll say it was WAY better than mine even though I helped out with the freaking decorations!"

"Alfred." The King of Spades glanced over at his queen who was tapping his foot in irritation. "I picked out the decorations for our contribution," Arthur reminded him sharply.

"Oh, yeah. Well, still, it came out of OUR funds," Alfred said.

Taking a deep breath, Arthur shook his head and shoved the King toward the door. "Come on, King, we'll be late," Arthur said, taking Alfred's arm and leading him to the car waiting out front.

The Jack of Spades, Matthew, already sat inside of it, smiling at the King and Queen shyly when they hopped inside. "Hello," he said. "Good morning to the both of you."

"Ah, hello, Jack," Arthur replied, flicking Alfred's cheek when the King squeezed the front of his shirt in his fist. "Stop messing with your suit, Alfred! That will do no one any good!"

Alfred whimpered softly and gripped the velvet of the car seat instead. Arthur rolled his eyes, giving up on keeping the King in line. Instead, he leaned back against the seat and closed his eyes. "You have every bag accounted for, Matthew?" Arthur asked, opening one green eye to look at Matthew.

The Jack nodded. "Yes. It was a good idea to pack an extra set of clothes considering what happened last time at the Dinner," Matthew said in his quiet manner.

Alfred huffed. "I DIDN'T spill that ketchup on my shirt! I'm telling you, Ivan knocked the bottle out of my hand, and some landed on my shirt!" he complained, glaring at Arthur. "Arthur, you were RIGHT NEXT TO ME when it happened! Didn't you SEE anything?"

"Would you quit? Ivan was two cards in front of us. That's what I saw," Arthur snapped. He massaged his temples. "Just don't do anything rash, Alfred. The Ace doesn't need to pardon you AGAIN."

"Pfft," mumbled Alfred, "you act like I'm the only one who doesn't like another royal, but YOU don't like our Ace."

"Antonio is just... IRRITATING," Arthur hissed. "It's not my fault his personality pisses me off!"

"You two... Won't you just stop?" Matthew murmured. "Please? It's a long car ride, and I don't want to hear you two arguing the entire way."

Of course, no one heard the poor Jack of Spades, so he just slumped back in his seat. 'Why did I ever become a Jack?' he wondered. 'Especially to these two. All they do is bicker. There can't be anyone who argues more than these two.'

* * *

 "Oh, come ON, Eliza!"

"Don't call me that! Use my proper name and not that silly nickname!"

"What? You want me to call you Ace of Hearts?" the Joker, Gilbert Beilschmidt, said. He snorted and clamped his hands on the Ace of Hearts' shoulders, smirking. "But, Eliza, you don't HAVE a heart~"

"Wha-?!" Elizabeta exclaimed, spinning around. Gilbert let go of her shoulders, and she grabbed his, shaking him angrily. "I have a heart!!! How do you think I'm ALIVE, idiot?!"

Gilbert laughed throughout. He finally shoved the Ace away and put his hands on his hips. "Look, can't I make a speech this time?" he asked. "That's ALL I want this year~"

Elizabeta groaned angrily and poked at Gil's chest, stepping way too close to him for comfort. Her face was right in front of his when he said, "Are you going to kiss me, Eliza~?"

Immediately, the Ace's hands went around the Joker's neck, and she had to make herself not choke him. She finally stepped away, her nerves tingling with ire. "What happened last year makes me regret saying this," she mumbled grudgingly. "But if you STOP pestering me, I can squeeze you in after King Ivan and Queen Yao finish their speech."

Gilbert kept his smirk hidden, and he gave Elizabeta the sweetest smile he could muster. "Okay. Thank you, Ace of Hearts," he said, tilting his head. He gave her a gentlemanly bow before scampering off to his room. He heard Elizabeta murmur something that sounded like "Idiot".

For the last week, he and the Aces of all the Kingdoms had been helping Ivan and Yao with preparations. If Gilbert had had a choice, he wouldn't have come to the Dinner until the night of. In fact, the Kingdoms Dinner itself made Gilbert want to throw up; its only redeeming quality was the food. (And if it was imported from anywhere other than the Kingdom of Hearts, there was always a chance it would suck.) The Dinners honestly reminded the Joker of a bunch of girls hating each other in silence. Except for maybe King Ivan - he certainly let his feelings show through little planned accidents. Most of these "accidents" happened to the King of Spades, but some had been schemed for Gilbert. He'd narrowly avoided them but being a trickster himself helped a lot.

The Joker chuckled at the idea of what he was about to pull tonight. It would be his best prank EVER. No one would ever to be able to top it - not even Ivan.

Smirking widely, Gilbert drew out a DVD labeled _Prank #1._ 'The best prank ever deserves a number one~' the Joker thought snidely. He tucked it into the pocket of his brilliantly red pants. As he thought about tonight, his smirk only grew in size. He thought of all the royal cards. Oh, they all just thought he had no idea how to do anything but make someone laugh. Well, weren't they going to get a surprise~

* * *

 

"And now, introducing The Joker," Elizabeta said onstage. She faced the entire congregation of dignitaries and Club citizens, nearly sighing as she announced the nuisance. "He'll be good for a form of relief between this and the next speech. I apologize ahead of time if it's offensive."

Behind the crimson curtain, Gilbert's crimson eyes burned mischievously. 'I hope it's offensive~' he thought. 'Or I haven't done what I came here to do.'

Hesitant clapping ensued after Elizabeta finished her introduction, and Gilbert flounced onstage. He leaned on the podium casually, staring at the pen-drop silent crowd. Someone coughed in the corner. "So! I've asked one of our technological cards to help me set this up," he said to the waiting mass. He hopped off the stage and put in the DVD. A projector glowed to life when he powered it on; if all went well, the DVD would play on the screen behind the podium and embarrass all the Kings and Queens of the Kingdoms.

Gilbert pressed play, and before anyone could see anything, a sexual groan filled the room.

It took people a minute to realize the speakers next to the projector had produced the sound. The shocked expressions etched onto everyone's faces already made this worthwhile to Gilbert. He snickered as the projector showed an image of Queen Yao bound with handcuffs to a bedpost. Lacerations covered the parts of him his clothes would, and horror replaced everyone's shock. King Ivan lay between Yao's legs, licking teasingly at the other's cock. Ivan held a riding crop in his right hand, and as soon as people noticed that, they noticed the odd, aerial angle at which the film had been shot.  _Someone had filmed this without Ivan and Yao knowing._

The Queen of Clubs outside of the film began shaking, his hands suddenly gripping the table cloth. The King closed his eyes, a smile drifting over his face; he was going to kill Alfred. He knew this was all Alfred's fault - the stupid King of Spades had ALWAYS had it in for Ivan.

Suddenly, the scene changed. The King of Spades had his legs wrapped firmly around the Queen of Spades' waist. His moans of pleasure filled the room, freaking the masses out ten times more.  _What was going on?_

A slow dawn of realization peaked in the crowd's brains, and a few snickers passed along the room, signaling people had found out what was so embarrassing about this clip. The Queen was inside the King. The QUEEN was the dominant one, not the King. _  
_

The King and Queen of Spades just sat at their seats, utterly flabbergasted. Soon, Alfred's cheeks reddened when he heard the giggling, and he turned his face angrily at Ivan. The King of Clubs would pay for this. This HAD to be his fault, right?

Meanwhile, the Queen of Spades had his own agenda. He was going to kill the Ace of Spades.

Again, the scene changed, leaving the Spade royals before they climaxed.

This time, the aerial recording view panned in on the King and Queen of Hearts. The Queen of Hearts, Feliciano, was tied with a shadowed rope like Yao to a bedpost. The King of Hearts, Ludwig, leaned over him, digging his nails into the Queen's hips and licking at the smaller man's chest. Little Feliciano whimpered happily, and the entire crowd turned to look at the Royals of Hearts. Ludwig, the usual stoic blonde, had actually made a move on sweet little Feliciano. Ludwig's deep voice rang out from the speakers, and the actual King of Hearts blushed like there was no tomorrow.  _"You little slut~ You like that, don't you?"_ DVD Ludwig said.

The real Feliciano squeaked in time with his projected self. The real Ludwig was going to kill Francis, the Jack of Diamonds. This had "pervert" written all over it, and Francis was the biggest pervert in the world. _  
_

This entire time, the Joker was holding his hand to his mouth, stifling his cackles. Everyone's reactions were absolutely AMAZING! The utter shell-shocked look on their faces made him want to cry tears of joy. They'd see now - he could play better pranks than ANYONE ELSE. He was so much better than them~ _  
_

Again, the scene changed. The projected King of Diamonds, Berwald, glared angrily into the camera of whoever was holding it. This time, the film was right-side up. The masses watched in fascination as a shirtless Berwald growled at the cameraman, _"Shut it off."_

 _"Yes, please do!"_ a high-pitched voice said, and a little bit of the Queen of Diamond's leg could be seen before the camera shut off.

Offscreen, Queen Tino could not look more embarrassed. (Berwald, on the other hand, didn't seem like he cared either way but... that was just Berwald for you.)

When the projection screen went black, silence pierced the room like a knife. Finally, the Joker let his laughter break out of his mouth like a river from a destroyed dam.


	2. The Jury of Aces

"King of Spades, might I have a word?" King Ivan said, standing up.

Queen Yao tugged on Ivan's robes, hissing, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

Queen Arthur looked up, a bit surprised. Surely Ivan wasn't about to blame  _them_ for what just happened. The Ace of Spades was totally behind this... and maybe that stupid Jack of Diamonds. Francis and Antonio were both perverts - closet or no.

Alfred growled angrily and stood up. "What word do you want? How about 'guilty' as in YOU did this!" Alfred shouted, his fists clenched at his sides.

The Joker suddenly stopped laughing and stood up. "H-hey!" he yelled. They thought someone ELSE had put him up to this? Oh no. No, no, no! He wasn't some mindless drone for everyone else to toy with. How DARE they!

But no one listened to Gilbert.

The King of Hearts stood up. "You all are idiots! The Jack of Diamonds put the Joker up to this! This has his hand written all over it!" Ludwig bellowed, his blush turning his face a bee-sting red.

"I agree with the King of Hearts! He has his head on straight!" Arthur articulated, jumping to his feet and pointing an accusing finger over at the blonde Jack of Diamonds. "That man is behind this!"

Francis scoffed. "And how would YOU all know what my hand feels like?" he said. "I've never had sex with any of you."

There was another silence that descended upon the crowd before Arthur stomped over to Francis and grabbed his collar, growling in his face, "Leave your sexual innuendos OUT of this!"

"I can't very well do that when there were just SEX tapes played!"

Arthur turned around, glaring at the congregation, "That sounds like a confession to me!"

"Now-now hold on, Queen Arthur!" the Ace of Spades said, coming to Francis' rescue just in time. The crowd had begun to whisper but now fell silent when the Ace spoke.

Arthur gritted his teeth at the title of Queen.

Ludwig stood next to Arthur and Francis as Antonio came up. "I demand a full investigation, Ace. This is an outrage!" Ludwig exclaimed, his nails digging into his arms. He glared at Francis who cowered against Arthur.

"I am innocent, I tell you! Innocent!" Francis protested.

Antonio nodded. "I agree, I agree!" he said, gently patting Francis' head. "Please, Queen Arthur and King Ludwig, think this through! The Joker barely knows Francis. And also, we need to be asking the Joker questions, not each other. Only the Joker can tell us who put him up to this."

"Well..." said Arthur, surprised at Antonio's methodical way of handling the situation. The man usually seemed so spacey and annoying. Was he really like this the rest of the time? Or was this a one-time personality-change thing? 'Alfred has those sometimes,' Arthur thought, grinding his teeth together.

King Ivan spoke up, "Yes. I would like to know what the Joker has to say." He sent Gilbert a spine-tingling smile, and Gilbert stuck out his tongue back.

Inside, Gilbert was outraged. How could these numbskulls think someone had put him up to this? 'I have a mind of my own, you know!' he thought as he stuffed his fists into his pocket. "Fine. You wanna know who put me up to this?" growled Gilbert, his gaze piercing through Antonio's chocolate-colored curls.

The Ace of Spades finally turned around to face Gilbert. He gave the Joker a small smile. "The Jury of Aces will be held tomorrow," he said. "Right now, we should just finish the Dinner. We still haven't eaten! So let's get these speeches finished and eat!"

A wary cheer rose from the crowd.

Gilbert watched Alfred and Ivan glare daggers at each other. He watched Arthur and Ludwig give Francis a glare. He watched Francis grumble something under his breath. He watched Yao sigh and palm his forehead. And then, he watched his feet carry him offstage and out into the empty courtyard of the castle where he kicked an ice sculpture. The dragon's head shattered along the jewel-green lawn, but its body stayed intact. The scales glittered orange in the dying sunlight, and Gilbert vaguely wondered why the ice hadn't melted. 'Damn shit,' he thought angrily. 'Those idiots in there have no idea it was ME who did this. ME! Oh well, I'll just tell those stupid Aces tomorrow. They'll have to believe me.'

"God!" he yelled suddenly, slamming his fist against a marble wall. "Why does everyone think I'm so fucking dumb?!"

Growling at the pain in his hand and the anger swirling in his stomach, he sunk against the wall. "They'll believe it tomorrow. They'll all have to," he mumbled, massaging his fingers.

* * *

"Good morning, Joker," said the monotonous Vash, Ace of Diamonds.

The next sunrise, Gilbert found himself in a large room situated with wood paneling and a desk of polished oak with four seats behind it. All the Aces sat in their respective seats, the Ace of Diamonds the third from the right. He stared holes in Gilbert, but Gilbert refused to be intimidated, so he kept his face neutral. "Good morning, Ace," said Gilbert coolly.

"Let's get started, shall we?" he said. "I feel uncomfortable holding a Jury in King Ivan's castle. It doesn't seem formal enough."

'You're formal enough to open a Jury anywhere,' Gilbert thought. 'You've got a stick so far up your ass nothing but another stick could dig it out.'

"Understandable, sir," Gilbert muttered, looking down at his feet. He sat in a chair for all the Aces' scrutiny; his hands fell stiffly in his lap.

"Now that we have the pleasantries out of the way," Vash began.

'Pleasantries?' thought Gilbert.

"We can begin. Who put you up to this offensive prank? I find it highly rude and uncalled for, so whoever it is will be dealt with accordingly. However, please don't let that affect what you are about to say," Vash said. He waited patiently for Gilbert's answer, his hands folded calmly in front of him.

Gilbert crossed his arms over his chest, sighed, then situated his left ankle just above his right knee. Did he want to be punished? Not really. Did he want publicity that it was him who had done all this? Of course. He took a deep breath and said, "You know I can't tell you." 


	3. Gone Too Far

The Ace of Hearts drew in a deep breath. She looked to Vash, then to Gilbert and realized she'd made the worst mistake of her life yesterday. Why couldn't she just hold her ground when it came to the Joker and tell him to quit pestering her? She twisted her fingers in her lap, pissed. Not at Gilbert, really, but at herself. Sure, the Joker WAS seriously annoying, but she knew the real reason she'd let him make a "speech". She hated all his pranks; she really did, but a voice nagged at her to let him do what he wanted. She refused to believe it was because she liked him - him, a useless JOKER - but it was pretty evident to everyone else, especially the Queen of Hearts and the Jack of Diamonds. The Ace of Spades had caught onto it recently, and he'd told her - like everyone else who knew - to just tell him how she felt. But Gilbert seemed like a larger-than-life kind of guy who reduced her defenses to dust, though she'd never EVER let him know that.

So, since she liked him, she did what she did in the Jury room that day. She stood up and whispered in Vash's ear, "He's obviously been threatened and is scared. Why don't you let me handle it?"

Vash gave her a sidelong look before nodding. "You have an hour," he muttered back. "If you can't get him to confess by then, we're holding him under house arrest."

Elizabeta nodded once then crossed the room to where Gilbert was staring warily at her. "What's going-" he began before she cut him off,

"Joker, we've decided a Jury might be too intimidating. Why don't you and I go into the parlor and have tea?"

Obviously surprised, Gilbert flicked an eye over the remaining Aces, judging their play. Finally, he turned back to Elizabeta and shrugged. "I am kinda parched," he said, standing from his chair. He glanced back again at the panel of judges as Elizabeta led him through the door and down a large, darkened corridor. The lights on the ceiling were dim, and torches had been added for illumination. The vaulted ceiling, Gilbert decided, would make it pretty hard to change the lights. An old, rickety chandelier swung precariously overhead, its wooden framework dull and almost rotted. The Joker prayed it wouldn't fall on them.

Elizabeta glanced over her shoulder at Gilbert since he was lagging considerably behind her. "Come on, Gilbert, walk beside me," she ordered. "It's creepy when you don't. I think you're planning my demise or something."

The informal way she spoke to him banished the idea in Gil's mind that she was going to string him up by his toenails or some other horrifying torture Vash had thought up. The two lines they'd whispered he couldn't hear really freaked him out. He'd even regretted what he'd said for a moment,  _"You know I can't tell you."_

"Sorry," he said, catching up to her easily.

They entered the Grand Foyer and passed through an open doorway whispering with soft candlelight. The curtains had been opened to let in the late-summer sunlight. It pitched over the worldly rugs overlapping on the floor and the small, velvet couch that faced away from the floor-to-ceiling length windows. Gilbert had the suspicion the Queen of Clubs used this room a lot. But today, it was empty except for a candelabra burning quietly in the southwest corner.

Elizabeta pressed a red button below the intercom hanging on the wall and called for tea. Someone replied (the transmission a little garbled) in the affirmative.

"There!" Elizabeta said. "Someone will be up with our tea in a few minutes."

She looked over at Gilbert who had sat on the couch, sticking his feet up on the coffee table in front of the lazy piece of furniture. Gilbert shot her a smirk. "Now why'd you want me all to yourself~?" he asked, his eyebrows wiggling ever so slightly.

Disgusted, the Ace of Hearts shook her head and sighed heavily. "I suppose... if what the Royals said is true... I'm here to find out who put you up to that stunt last night," Elizabeta said, staring into his eyes almost harshly. She walked over to him and sat down. "Because I know you're not the type to be intimidated. So, either this person found some spine-splitting dirt on you, or you pulled that prank all by yourself. Either way, you're in trouble, and Vash won't take kindly to you and your little games."

"What 'little games'?" Gilbert muttered, crossing his arms and looking up at the ceiling. "I'm an open book. You should know this, Eliza."

"So why weren't you open in the Jury room?"

"Didn't you hear Mr. Ace of Stick Up His Ass? Ivan's castle just isn't the most formal place to hold a Jury; I just couldn't have a lot of respect for you guys up there."

Elizabeta snorted and nearly punched Gilbert. "See? These are the 'little games' I'm talking about," she snapped. She huffed angrily before standing up and sashaying over to the window where she stared out into the courtyard. All the ice sculptures had been removed, but the garlands and tinsel still wrung around the ivy-coated inner walls of the palace. "Just tell me who made you do this. And if it really was you, you've gone too far this time."

Gilbert stared at the Ace for a minute before taking his feet off the coffee table and striding over to her. He stood beside her, staring out at the courtyard as well. The grass bloomed on either side of the stone walkways, and he found the place he'd kicked the dragon sculpture over at; there was a puddle where the snout had melted. Gilbert wondered how long it had taken the workers to realize that statue had been broken.

"Sorry," he confessed. "I've gone too far this time. But honestly, once I confess-"

"You'll be punished. Stripped of your title-"

"I don't have much of a title, anyway."

Elizabeta continued as if she hadn't heard him, "-stripped of your access to the Royal Courts, stripped of your friends, money... If Vash doesn't do it, the Royals will make sure it happens." She sighed and continued softly, "You're a fucking idiot. Such a fucking idiot, I can't even BEGIN to describe... Ah, I'll try to help you. But what you've done is an invasion of privacy to the Kingdoms, and when the news gets out - because it WILL - the Kings and Queens will look like sex icons. They'll look like fools. And it's all your FAULT."

"Isn't everything my fault?" Gilbert growled, glaring at her. His breathing went ragged with ire, and he was about to shout about how under-appreciated he was when there was a knock on the door.

"The tea is here, Ace of Hearts." 

Elizabeta tore herself away from the window and donned a fake smile. "Thank you. Just put it over there," she said, directing the servant to the coffee table.

He put it on the table and then withdrew after asking if the Ace of Hearts required anything else. She replied in the negative, and the servant disappeared, his footsteps echoing all the way along the Grand Foyer.

The Joker watched the Ace pour herself a cup of tea and sit diplomatically on the couch.

"No one else had a hand in this?" she asked quietly. Gilbert thought he detected a little bit of remorse in her tone, but he couldn't quite be sure.

So, he brushed it off and grumbled, "No. Now go run back to the Ace of Stick Up His Ass and tell him I need to be hanged."

"No one's going to hang you, Gilbert."

"Then just shoot me in the fucking head!"

"No one's doing that, either. I already told you your punishment."

"Ivan will kill me."

Elizabeta sucked in a sharp breath before sighing for the second time in ten minutes. "Yes, he'll try. But don't worry, you'll have security around you to make sure that doesn't happen."

"Security's never stopped him before," Gilbert said.

A shiver rolled through Elizabeta's body, but she refused to show it. Instead, she poured another cup of tea. "We still have fifty minutes. Might as well relax before throwing yourself back into the fire, Joker."

The way his title spat off her tongue made Gilbert want to curl up and cry and apologize to her for the trouble he'd caused. But he would never stoop so low, so he took the teacup and glared at it. "Eliza..." he began, not sure what he was about to say.

"What?" she said simply, not looking at him.

"Um... uh..."

"What?"

"Never mind. It's dumb."

Elizabeta rolled her eyes, pissed off on the outside. However, inside, she secretly wanted to bag Gilbert up and take him somewhere far away where she could better protect him against the world.

"Okay." 


	4. A Club Wants to Be a Spade

Gilbert felt like he was being sentenced to execution already. Although his behavior probably didn't warrant a death sentence, he was still all-too-prepared for Vash to ask him what his final wish would be. 'To live,' he thought as he played the nightmarish fantasy in his head. He stuck close to Elizabeta as they both reentered the Jury Room and really wanted to run away screaming. But that wouldn't look very manly, so he forced himself to stand in front of the Jury once more.

Vash's fingers waffled together then splayed them on the table. He waited until Elizabeta sat down before giving Gilbert a pointed look. "Are you ready to tell us who put you up to that prank? If not, you will be placed under house arrest," he said, his lips curling like an angry dog's.

Taking a small, calming breath, the Joker nodded. "Yeah, I'm ready to talk," he said, but he didn't continue.

The Jury of Aces watched him for what seemed like forever before Elizabeta prompted him, "Go on, Joker."

Gilbert's muscles tensed. His body was wired to run and shove his way out of here, but that wouldn't help him. No matter where he hid, Vash would come find him personally and "shoot him till he was dead".

"Well, Joker? We all are waiting for your confession," Vash prompted in an irritated voice. "We don't have all day, you know. Just get on with it."

Feeling tight as a coil, Gilbert opened his mouth.

The tension in the room escalated when a surprise visitor burst in through the door. "Council! You have to come see this!" whispered a very frightened-looking servant.

Vash didn't waste any time getting out of his chair and conversing in hushed tones with the servant.

Gilbert wondered why the intruder hadn't shouted. If something was REALLY important, why not yell to the world what was so vital for them to know? He stood up and stepped toward Vash and the manservant. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked.

Before Vash could respond (but he was able to send Gilbert a withering glare), the Clubs servant looked over at the Joker and said, "It's this Club lord who was invited to the dinner! He's outside talking with the King of Spades to arrange a CHANGE OF CITIZENSHIP because of the content you showed last night! Well, at least, that's what I thought I heard when I walked by them!"

Gilbert's throat closed up. Oh, he was in for it, now.

 "Come on, Council," snapped Vash, his glare turning on the other three Aces. "Let's go clean up the Joker's mess." He poked a finger at Gilbert's chest, snarling almost as an afterthought, "And you will PAY for this if you ARE the one behind it."

The Joker had no doubt he would pay.

This was bad. This was very, very bad. It was just a little BDSM sex, and suddenly some stupid little Club wants to go against IVAN and reject the wealth and citizenship he made as a Club. Honestly, he would be a PAUPER in the Spade Kingdom unless... Unless King Alfred wanted to prove that he was better than King Ivan. God, this was getting WAY out of hand. Seriously though. No one ever heard any of these couples have sex? They were pretty damn loud when he filmed them (except for Berwald and Tino because they didn't do it after they caught him hanging up in the rafters).

Cursing soundly, Gilbert hurtled himself out the doors and followed the whispering Council to the Spade Royals' suite.

He followed behind them a few paces, keeping his eyes on Elizabeta. She didn't seem to notice him, and he understood why - this was a SERIOUS matter. Though Gilbert treated a lot of things like a joke, he knew this was NOT. That stupid Club lord couldn't possibly know this would start a war between the Club and Spade Kingdoms. Both kingdoms had wanted to go to war for a long time, and this was just the feather to tip the scale into chaos. King Ivan wouldn't let this go; he'd probably send bounty hunters to capture his former lord back.

The Joker felt his chest tighten as they neared the Spade Royals' room. And sure enough, King Alfred was standing outside his door, dressed in a blue robe, talking to a man Gilbert knew he'd seen before. 

Vash spoke immediately upon seeing them, his voice commanding and harsh, "Toris! What do you think you're doing! You're bargaining your citizenship and possibly the peace of the Kingdoms!"

Toris winced when he saw Vash and stepped back, bowing politely. "F-forgive me..." he murmured. "I didn't think about that. I was just... This was a... Well, I-"

King Alfred spoke up, his usually jovial blue eyes turning cold, "It isn't his fault his king is crazy and sadistic!"

"Now hold on a moment, Alfred-" Antonio Carriedo, the Ace of Spades, chimed in.

Alfred waved him off with a careless hand. "He is. You guys just don't notice it 'cause he can hide it," he said.

"Alfred! That is ENOUGH," Vash hissed. "You will not take one of Ivan's lords-"

"So he can't make his own free-willed choice?!" Alfred got bright red in the face.

"N-no, King Alfred, you don't have to..." murmured Toris, putting a hand on Alfred's shoulder.

Alfred growled, shaking off Toris' hand. He glared at Vash. "If he wants to change his citizenship, why not let him? If he wants to start a fucking war, why not-"

"NO ONE is starting a WAR!!!" yelled Vash. He snarled and added, "If anyone says another word on this nonsense, I will shoot them 'til their dead!"

With that said, he swept away, commanding the other Aces to follow him. Tension still rang in the air, as thick as a cloud of smoke, and Gilbert looked at Alfred and Toris. "He's just pissy from the bad breakfast he ate," he joked, trying to diffuse the rage in the air. Gilbert couldn't really comprehend how  _mad_ Alfred could actually get. The king's blue eyes glowed with ire, and his tanned skin drew together around the bones in his hands as he clenched them into fists.

The door to the Spade Royals' suite opened then, and Queen Arthur peeked out of the room. "Hey, what happened?" He blinked and saw Toris. "Oh, hello, Lord Toris, how are you?"

Alfred growled again and pushed past his queen into the room. "Forget it," he said.

"What if I don't want to forget about it?" Arthur said, following Alfred inside. The door shut, and Gilbert had half a heart to spy on them through the keyhole, but he just turned to Toris. 

Toris bowed his head quickly, his eyes desperate and flickering from the wall to the floor to his feet and then through the whole routine again. He didn't speak a word and just scurried off after the prolonged bow. Gilbert almost called after him but snapped his mouth shut at the last second. He hoped Ivan never found out about any of this.

With a heavy sigh, he looked down the other end of the hallway. The Aces had all disappeared, and a sort of unfit thrill ran through him at getting let off easy. Vash was gone to deal with this more urgent citizenship business, and - for the moment - the Joker was off the hook. Gilbert grinned broadly and strutted down the corridor, turning the corner with his usual swagger and listened for the echoing sounds of the Aces' footsteps. Vash's angry voice and Antonio's hysterical voice carried from the trial room to the foyer. It seemed like everyone really  _had_ forgotten about Gilbert... And although the Joker didn't like that fact, he continued to his quarters without complaint. 

He slid through his doorway and nearly passed out in relief when he reached his bed. He didn't think he'd see this room again, and he was comforted by the fireplace still crackling with jumping flames and shifting logs. Gilbert honestly thought he'd see either the executioner's ax or the stocks for the rest of his (most likely) short-lived life. Thank goodness he'd been unofficially pardoned with only a verbal threat. Those he was used to. Although Vash had been the one who had threatened him, and Vash usually carried out his promises. "Please forget," mumbled Gilbert to a Vash who couldn't hear him. He rubbed his hands over his cheeks and then rubbed his eyes.  _Maybe I shouldn't have done what I did,_ Gilbert thought as he stood up and began to pace along the length of a green-and-blue rug.  _Why'd I even do it? Revenge? A good laugh? Yeah, I guess a good laugh. Oh, fuck, I'm a sick guy..._ _  
_

Eyes shutting, he began to drift off into his memories. He saw Berwald's blue eyes glaring at him as his "wife", Tino, cowered behind the bed as naked as a wee babe. He saw Yao with his hands roped to the bed, his slender body covered by Ivan's larger, dominating one. He saw Arthur kissing Alfred's neck as the king moaned his queen's name. He saw Ludwig snapping a riding crop over little Feliciano's thigh and leaving a red mark in the sex toy's wake... It had been fun filming them from the dusting rafters of their room. Well, all except Berwald and Tino, of course.

Chuckling dryly, Gilbert opened his eyes again and sat up, glancing in the gilded mirror on the nighttable beside the bed. His demon red eyes stared back at him, and he smirked without any rhyme or reason. "Guess it's my nature to be the Demon of Jokes," he laughed softly. He cupped his face in his hands and rubbed his chin. There was no humor inside of him at all. 


End file.
